Shantaram--read it!

"... It was only there, in the village in India, on that first night, adrift on the raft of murmuring voices, and my eyes filled with stars; only then, when another man's father reached out to comfort me, and placed a poor farmer's rough and calloused hand on my shoulder; only there and then did I see and feel the torment of what I'd done, and what I'd become-- the pain and the fear and the waste; the stupid, unforgivable waste of it all. My heart broke on its own shame and sorrow. I knew, at last, how lonely I was.
But I couldn't respond. My culture had taught me all the wrong things well. So I lay completely still, and gave no reaction at all. But the soul has no culture. The soul has no nations. The soul has no colour or accent or way of life. The soul is forever. The soul is one. And when the heart has its moment of truth and sorrow, the soul can't be stilled.
I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperatly, is that love is the only cure for lonliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only lonliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you."

--Gregory David Roberts
from his novel Shantaram

Bathrooms

I was sitting in a bathroom stall today at Deer Valley...
The walls were white, and the doors were fake wood.
Of course it was illuminated with lame fluorescent lights.

It flusters me how people can want this so bad,
want to come to america
to live in a life illuminated by these cheap, meaningless fluorescent lights.

Wouldn't you rather sit in a bathroom illuminated by natural light?
or by a single lightbulb with some vines wrapped around it?
or even pee in the jungle?

Why would you give that up?
I wouldn't.

Life Comes At Ya Fast...

So, because I'm incredibly lazy and I don't want to sit on a bus for 30 minutes to get to my classes, or work, I've been driving and parking up on campus. Bad idea. I think I got 5 tickets last month. Didn't have the money, nor the time, to pay any of them. Last week, I had class and also had to work, so I parked on campus. When I was at work, I got a call from the parking office saying that my car had been booted from unpaid tickets. Great. They made me leave work, come down to their office, and pay $150. Sadly, I had to pay it immediately so I could get my car back and would be able to drive my busy self around to all the places I needed to be. The downfall was, I didn't have enough money in my account. What a dilemma.
This afternoon I received a lovely call from my mother. All she said was, "Have you seen your bank account lately?"
"Nope," I replied, "but I will check it. I gotta go, bye."
"Bye."
I got to work, checked my account. Come to find out, the bank changed me $377 for charging $150 to my account, which I HAD to do. And now I'm even more in the hole.
I learned my lessons:
1. Parking passes are GOOD!
2. Don't park illegally
3. If you do park illegally, make sure you pay your parking ticket so you don't get booted.
4. I need to spend my money wisely. Or not spend it at all....


Ciao.

I'm High and I'm Happy and I'm Free

I'm high and I'm happy and I'm free
I got my whole heart
Laid out right in front of me
And I finally can see
The way it's always been
The need for peace
Starts from within

So I leave my possesions to the wind
And I'm done with ever wanting anything
Well I can die satisfied
No desires do I hide
Not today, not today
Nor for the next one thousand lives

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
A little seahorse

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse...

Well I'm scared of ever being born again
If it's in this form again
Well I wanna know how why where and when and then
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light

I wish I could get some free time for myself. Just quality alone time, where I don't have to think, just relax. I wish I had my own bedroom I could call home, a place where I could feel like myself. Lately I've been very busy, going to class, writing papers, preparing for finals week, and supporting my friends. But I've been so stressed from it that I've been going insane. I completely lost it last night. Locked myself downstairs, stuck in a movie, and didn't want to see anybody. I'm so so so tired and I wish somebody would just listen to me for once. I want to speak my mind, I want somebody to listen. But isn't that the point of this entire blog? Is there anybody out there who cares what is bugging me? Am I just good at holding it in? Maybe I feel bad complaining or bragging about myself. Do people take advantage of me for this?

I never thought I'd end up crying myself to sleep on my birthday. this is messed.

Birthday

I turned 20 today. wooopppppppppppie!
yay!
still can't go to the bar tho
Last night's party was super kick ass and I love everybody who came!! thanks so much guys! you made my birthday wonderful!!!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO STEVE AND MILAN AND GINGER TOO!!

Homeless

I feel so homeless right now. Supposedly I live in an apartment, with two girls. Sadly, I've only see them once and I don't feel right when I go "home." I moved in about a week ago... I sorta just barged in on their lives. They had been living together since the beginning of the semester and I feel as if I can't call that place home.
So, I've been staying on the other side of the Logan for the past few weeks. It's been fun, but a lot of stuff has gone down lately and I just can't call this place home either. I always feel like I'm barging in ALL THE TIME.. Sometimes I feel like I'm not wanted either.
I've just lost it lately. I need a home, where people will love me and I can have my own bedroom.
Sometimes I feel like packing up all my belongings and going home--to my family's house.
I don't want to be at school right now.
I need my family.
I need my home.

Thanks

I am thankful
for you
my mom
dad
brother
my dogs
and cats
Scottie
all my wonderful friends
the beautiful place I live in
the opportunities I have
the schooling I am receiving
the bed I can sleep in every night
to be alive
and well
to be happy
I am thankful for everybody being a part of my life
i love you all

100 Things About Me

Thanks Amber-- I found this on your blog; it pretty much rocks :)

1. I once peed my pants in Cafe Rio.
2. I am scared to death of butterflies.
3. I'm also scared of Bigfoot.
4. I recently got over my fear of E.T.
5. I have traveled to France, England, Italy, and Indonesia.
6. If I could, I would leave America right now, just to be in Bali.
7. I wish I was fluent in many many languages, I'm working on it ;)
8. I want to get my PhD someday.
9. I can do a perfect impression of E.T..... ask and I'll demonstrate.
10. My mom is a cancer survivor, and there is a 99% chance I've inherited it.
12. I once won a bike race against adults, when I was 10.
13. I'm way too ticklish to survive.
14. I want to backpack the world.
15. I want to write a novel about my backpacking experience.
16. It would be so bomb-ass to start my own magazine.
17. or to work for National Geographic.
18. If I had the money, or the balls, I would cover my body in tattoos.. art is beautiful.
19. I want to practice Hinduism.
20. I'm watching the Darjeeling Limited as we speak.
21. Luke Wilson is gorgeous, and I saw him one time :)
22. I've also seen Adam Sandler, and met Carmen Electra.
23. I worked for a ski shop last winter at Deer Valley Ski Resort and met Lisa Kudrow, Pheobe, from Friends.
24. Every November, my family throws a Chili Party, where a bunch of people get drunk and donate money to the Utah Food Bank.
25. I LOVE MY FAMILY SO SO SO MUCH, but I'm sure most people do.
26. I know it's disgusting, but I absolutely love Beto's Breakfast Burritos. =]
27. My family eats all organic and natural, yummy food. I love it.
28. I don't eat red meat or pork.
29. I used to be the shyest girl in the world.
30. I work in a PC lab, and don't know shit about em.
31. I want to learn Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, French, and Korean.
32. I think Gaza needs to be left alone. Innocent people don't deserve this.
33. I once met Mitt Romney, and had no idea it was him until I saw his signature on a credit card receipt. Nice guy, actually.
34. When I graduate from Utah State, I plan to spend 3 years in Central and South America, photographing my adventures.
35. I've had 3 surgeries. One every 3 years, seems like.
36. I went to the eye doctor today. Apparently I have astigmatism and I'm far sighted--so now I officially wear glasses.
37. I have this passion for nude photography. I think it's one of the most beautiful art forms.
38. Speaking of nude photography, I'm always looking for nude models... let me know if you're willing.
39. Being naked is a beautiful thing. Feels good to be free :)
40. Sushi is amazing. I LOVE MAKI SUSHI!! keke
41. This summer I'm studying abroad in Korea and China. And then I'm spending 10 days with my dear friend Jun and his family! Can't wait to experience a traditional Korean lifestyle.
42. I don't know what I believe in. I was raised atheist. I'm not sure if I believe in destiny, nor miracles.
43. I got my wisdom teeth out on Monday. I'm pretty sure I have dry socket.
44. I watched like 12 straight hours of the travel channel today. BEACHES BABY!
45. I have a bad habit of spending my money. If I have it, and I see something cute, or I'm starving, or my friends need something, or there is just something that my money needs to be used for, I will spend it. One day I will learn to save..... or just marry rich ;)
46. I have the hardest time finding myself attracted to American men.
47. I love dark hair. Sexy.
48. Zadik Zadikian is a really cool Armenian artist/sculpture. Check out his stuff.
49. Amber Simmons is such a great person. She is so wise and smart. She accepts people for who they are and is always trying to set a good example. I love her <3
50. I feel asleep in the darkroom a couple weeks ago-- bad idea-- woke up with a really really really bad headache... ohhhh chemicals.
51. I'm probably one of the worst students ever. I have the worst attendance. I've been to my creative arts class maybe 3 times. But I do really well on the tests. My art classes are a different story, I love going to those!!
52. I really need to improve my attendance if I plan on going to grad school.
53. I want to open a bar/restaurant on a tropical island. And Amber and Max (my bro) can be my tops chefs! Cuz they are amazing chefs!
54. I love Urban Outfitters.
55. My family just got a kitty. He's such a cutie and a lil' terrorizer!!
56. Talking in my sleep is very common for me. I will say the weirdest stuff.... One time I tried to put quarters in a heat-pad machine....
57. I hope one day I will be able to give back to my family everything they have done for me. They've supported me with all of my endeavors and I can't thank them enough. I just want them to know that I will always always always love them no matter what.
58. It's so hard to come up with 100 things.
59. When I was younger, I had an armoire fall on top of me. I was trapped inside and screaming bloody murder! luckily my mommy saved me.
60. I think it's ridiculous that my work blocked facebook.... now what am I supposed to do when I'm working? WORK? lol. Goes to show how much of my life evolves around facebook.
61. Eel tastes disgusting.
62. I have too many goals for my life... I hope I can achieve them.
63. I've learned a lot about life this past semester at college.
64. I learned that life isn't always gonna be perfect. and changing my outlook on situations helps immensely.
65. I miss the good old days of high school. Sad but true.
66. I miss Bianca and hope everything is going well for her.
67. I miss both my grandmothers. They were amazing women.
68. I wish I could see my grandfather and my family in Pennsylvania more often.
69. I wish I could manage my time better, take more photographs, and be the best I can be.
70. I wish I could be a better photographer, put together an amazing portfolio and get accepted into SCAD.
71. A part of me wants to transfer to NYU for my undergrad studies. I know I can accepted... it just costs $52,000 a year... eeks.
72. Is my undergrad education really worth that? Or should I hold out for my grad?
73. Yeah, I'm on lortab right now.
74. Slumdog Millionaire is a damn good movie.
75. This is what I do late at night--write blogs.
76. It's addicting.
77. David After the Dentist is probably one of the funniest youtube videos ever.
78. It hurts to smile... but I can't help it :(
79. My best friend is my Hugh Jass. lol.
80. Call me Maki. I like it better than Makaela.
81. I really want 2 daughters: Alexadria and Victoria.
82. Rafting is fun!
83. I used to hate camping, but now I love it! Especially with friends.
84. Edamame is so so so yummy :)
85. I've been reading the same book since last July. It's really good, I just don't have time to finish it :(
86. I used to throw up my food on purpose on elementary school so I could go home sick.
87. If I had the money, I would get a boob job. lol. I've been told my boobs are good, but for some strange reason, I just have this desire to have those perfectly round perky boobs you see on Victoria's Secret models.
88. Speaking of Victoria's Secret models, I wanted to be one when I was in 5th grade.
89. Cinnamon Bears covered in Chocolate are so delicious :)
90. I'm hungry.
91. When I was little, I loved the 101 Dalmations. I still Lucky and Rolley stuffed animals.
92. I want to live in Phuket, Thailand.
93. I would also like to work for the travel channel. Maybe have my own tv show.
94. My jaw is throbbing. good thing we only have to get our wisdom teeth out once.
95. I forgive you.
96. Airplanes are so fun! I love taking off and landing... and I LOVE LOVE LOVE turbulence.
97. One time I rode a camel.
98. I've been served alcohol in restaurants without being IDed.... in Utah.
99. I'm really ticklish and I'm dangerous when tickled... I've made my mom bleed.
100. Number 100 is officially the lamest fact about me... kekekekekekeeee

Flat Tire

Yeah, totally got my first flat tire this morning. Woke up, started driving with Emily and Tony to get some breakfast. I realized my car was pulling heavily to the left and decided to pull over at the gas station. Sure enough, my back left tire was way to low.

Yeah, I'm a girl, and unfortunately, I'm not one that knows much about cars... I can tell ya about engines, and I know when I need an oil change (only cuz my car tells me so), but I cannot change a tire--eeks.

So my car is currently sitting in my friends driveway all jacked up. hehe

Ya know, this might turn out to be a rant, but I hope to God it does not follow that direction :)

It seems like this entire blog is just a big rant.

but I just wanna let everybody know, s'all good.

Living ain't easy, but I've still got it easy.

I appreciate everything, and I seriously couldn't ask for more...

(just a different place to live... like a forest, or a bush)

a beach would be nice too.

yeah, but if I could ask for anything,

I'd ask for just pure love, and friendship.

Elliott takes the words right out of my mouth

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying
He's a sight to see
He's good to me
But I'm already somebody's baby
He's a pretty thing
And he knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby
You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you've got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together
I'm nice to you
I could make it through
But you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile
If you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me, baby?
Because your candle burns too bright
Well I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well I'm tired of being down, I got no fight
You're wonderful
And it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
And if I went with you
I'd disappoint you too
Well I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby

wasting away
watching tv
taking my soul
what the hell am i doing?

Ramblin' On and on and on and on... and on...

This weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about life. How things change. How people hardly know the real me, even my close friends. How the government is messed up. How spoiled rotten people in the United States are. And how much I absolutely love my family.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm holding in my self from others. I know I'm personable and friendly. Sometimes I'm a little shy, but sometimes I'm extremely outgoing. I know I tend to hold my feelings in and just deal with all the flack people seem to give me. I've got one deep soul, and million dreams I'd love to accomplish. Thousands of places I'd like to see and a trillion people I'd love to make happy.

Sometimes I get on this thing just wanting to type something, let people know what's going on in my head. But then I just bottle up the feelings again and keep them to myself. It's one pretty big problem. I just need to let them out.

I wish people knew me. I wish I had people I could share everything with. I miss the good old days when my friends and I were extremely tight, but who knows where they went. It seems like school is taking over our lives and keeping us from being who we truly are. I know for certain that studying is keeping us apart, and somewhat keeping me back from the things I'd love to do right now. If I could, I'd fly to India, live there for a couple months, connect with myself for a while, meet new people, and experience something new. I've been thinking a lot about what I'd love to do when I'm done here at Utah State. I know I'm gonna take a few years off before I hit up a grad school. I know this might sound unoriginal because I've heard a lot of people talk about doing this, but I'd totally hitting up the Peace Corps. I want to help, it's all I want to do. People all over the world could use my help. I feel so guilty spending time here in America trying to better myself and educate myself so I can live a better life when my life is already a million times more advanced than the lives of many people around the world. I want to dedicate myself to them 100%. They deserve it. I want to offer them all I can.

I seriously can't live with the fact that I have a nice apartment, with a carpeted floor covered in clothing I cannot wear. For my sociology class, I'm doing a service project, but it's also for the people of Indonesia. I'm collecting school supplies for the children, clothing for everybody, and any cash donations. If you would chip in that would be amazing! I know a lady who travels to Indonesia about 3 times a year for a month of so, and offered to personally take them to the people. A couple summers ago, I traveled to Bali expecting a nice vacation in paradise--don't get me wrong, it totally was-- but I also noticed the quality of life and the lack of necessities the people had. They had hardly any clothing or food. Most lived in shacks and burned their garbage in the street. Many did not have shoes and slept on the ground. But, the most remarkable thing I could not overcome was how incredibly happy they all were. They loved life and saw the beauty in everything. They are the most humble people I've ever known. When I was there, I took over a bunch of old clothing. It was amazing to see how excited everybody was to be getting one of my old shirts, even it it was the wrong size and completely out of fashion. It feels so good to know that I made a difference in some peoples' lives.

The Extent of Poverty

"Poverty in poor countries is more widespread than it is in rich nations such as the United States. The U.S. government officially classifies almost 13 percent of the population as poor. In low-income countries, however, most people live no better than the poor in the United States, and many are far worse 0ff. Death rates are the highest among the children in Africa, indicating that absolute poverty is the greatest there, where half the population is malnourished. In the world as a whole, at any given time, 15 percent of people--about 1 billion--suffer from chronic hunger, which leaves them less able to work and puts them at high risk of disease.
The typical adult in a rich nation such as the United States consumes about 3,500 calories a day, which is actually too much and leads to obesity and related health problems. The typical adult in a low-income country not only does more physical labor but consumes just 2,000 calories a day. the result is undernourishment: too little food or not enough of the right kinds of food.
In the ten minutes it takes you to read through this, about 300 people in the world who are sick and weakened from hunger will die. This amounts to about 40,000 people a day, or 15 million people each year. Clearly, easing world hunger is one of the most serious challenges facing humanity today." (Society: The Basics by John Macionis)

I read this the other day in my sociology 1010 textbook. How does it make you feel? It made my friend Arevik burst out in tears and her body shake. How about this next part?

"Death comes early in poor societies, where families lack adequate food, safe drinking water, secure housing, and access to medical care. Organizations fighting child poverty estimate that at least 100 million city children in poor countries beg, steal, sell sex, or work for drug gangs to provide income for their families. Such a life almost always means dropping out of school and puts children at high risk of disease and violence. Many girls, with little or no access to medical assistance, become pregnant, a case of children who cannot support themselves having children of their own.
Analysts estimate that another 100 million of the world's children leave their families altogether, sleeping and living on the streets as best they can or perhaps trying to migrate to the United States. Roughly half of all street children are found in Latin American cities sich as Mexico City and Rio de Janeiro, where half of all children grow up in poverty. Many people in the United States know these cities as exotic destinations, but they are also home to thousands of children living in makeshift huts, under bridges, or in alleyways (United Nations Development Programme, 2000; Collymore, 2002)."

I wish...

Everybody could just get along. Despite all their differences, I truly believe that people should accept other people for who they are. You can't dislike a person for a quality you do not have, whether that quality is good or bad. They are still a person and you should not label them deviant or whatever without getting to know who that person truly is. So, please, think next time you decided to automatically hate somebody, they could end up being your best friend and the one who cares the most for you.

My Hero.

Arevik Vardanyan. She is one hella amazing gal. Get to know her. :)

what's on maki's mind today

• Repetition and Conformity among peers. Drives me crazy. I cannot tell anybody apart. They dress the same, the act the same. What makes them unique? Nothing. They just conform to the standards set by their religion, which they occasionally break, and create hypocrites of themselves. Maybe they should take a chance, drink some coffee, not wear makeup or do their hair. Maybe they should swear, pierce their eyebrows, and become walking artwork. Oh, and show some cleavage for once ;) it'll do ya some good.
• NO! Because then we wouldn't be unique.
• Pure opposites, no?

The Best Damn Blog You Will EVER Read!

SO READ IT!

http://feelisnotdead.wordpress.com/

19 and Tied Down. (not with kids of course)

It's strange to think about all the things we've been through in our lives. I was sitting at my desk just now, and a song came on my iTunes. Of course it reminded me of that significant other that I dated last year. Brought me back to this concert we went to, but we were broken up at the time. He begged me to go with him to see this band that he was absolutely crazy about. He started dancing, enjoying the music. And then he started crying when a man proposed on stage in front of everybody. The drive back to Logan was strange after that. Not one word.
That was the last time I ever hung out with him.
He was going to propose.
It's strange to think that at 19 years old, I would've been married.
I would've been married right now.
Weird.

Day 1--The Big Apple

Thursday-- I set out with my mom. We arrive at the SLC airport 3 hours before take-off. Sitting and not waiting very patiently to board, the Olympics seemed to be the only thing that could catch our attention. Looking out at the other people in the airport, I notice a familiar face... He sits down next to us, only to discover that we are on the same red-eye flight to JFK. Interesting.
Soon enough our flight boards, and 20 minutes later I found myself playing some trivia game with 5 other players on the plane, and my mother nagging me to go to sleep because tomorrow's gonna be a looong day. I couldn't really sleep though, I found myself in the stage where I was dreaming, but not fully asleep, and I woke up every time the fasten seat belt sign would light up. Four hours later, we landed in New York City. My mother and I got our luggage, got some coffee, and picked up a shuttle to our hotel.
I told the driver thanks as he loaded my bag into the back of his van, but he grabbed it harshly and didn't even crack a smile. Trying to drink our coffee and eat our muffins, the driver made it quite impossible. I think I have every right to say that he was the worst driver in the world. He drove so fast and honked at every single car and person in his way, even way they had the right away. He took turns very fast and slammed on his brakes a lot. We were jammed in the van with eight other people; two very petite Argentinian women, an Asian man, and another white family who was actually on the same flight as us. One of the Argentinian girls kept complaining about how cold she was, but the driver absolutely refused to turn down the AC, and at one point, he threatened to kick the women out of the van on the side of the highway.
Two long hours later, we arrived at our hotel: The New York Palace, and yes, it is as nice as the name makes it sound! Unfortunately, our room wasn't ready yet, so my mom and I set out towards 5th Ave. to waste some time. We walked 5th down to Central Park, where we hopped on a double-decker tour bus. After making our way to the top level, we finally got a chance to relax and enjoy a nice peaceful ride. I know the double-decker bus sounds very touristy, but it was very enjoyable. The tour guide was friendly and absolutely hilarious! He told us very useful information about the city, and then again, a lot of useless information. We drove down Broadway, saw the place where John Lennon was shot, and took a tour of Harlem. After the tour, my mother and I came back to our very nice hotel room, took a nap, a shower, and then hit the town again.
Luckily, our hotel is in a very ideal part of town. We're one block away from Rockefeller Center, and just two blocks from 5th Ave. Walking down 5th Ave, we took a random turn, ended up by the library, and soon we were on Times Square. We went in the MTV store, picked up a little something something for my little brother, and when we walked out the weather had taken a turn for the bad, leaving everybody in Times Squares absolutely panicked and most without umbrellas. Of course my mother and I were panicked. We walked in a few different stores before getting the smart idea of actually buying an umbrella. We went back in the MTV store, picked up an umbrella, and decided to find a restaurant because we were absolutely starving!! We walked about five blocks in the pouring rain before we stopped at a cute little French restaurant called "Maison." The food was absolutely wonderful!


Blah-- I'm tired of writing, I'll pick up where I left off later.... Some old guy just invited me to the bar--- sick... He asked me where my boyfriend was.. I said "Korea...", he smiled and said "come to the bar... ", I replied with, "We'll see!"
But I'm off to my room... and I'm not even old enough to go to the bar... lol


Peace

I used to have this bracelet that a Balinese woman gave me. I never took it off, and one day, it was just gone. Disappeared. It meant a lot to me--reminded me of the simple life in Indonesia. Everyone was dirt poor and didn't have anything, but they were the happiest people I'd ever seen in my life. That's the life I wanna live.

Late Night. Can't Sleep.

Sometimes I wish I could mend every single problem with a flick of a switch... just zap away all my worries, my troubles, my bad thoughts, wrong-doings, and live one amazing carefree lifestyle. One where I wouldn't have to worry about how much money is in my bank account, or who's judging or grading me, or how anybody could just die at any moment.

Tonight I found myself lying in bed, playing games on my phone, trying to get comfortable and fall asleep, but my mind wasn't allowing such a thing. Things such as my bank account, school, friends, travel, this society, love, and fear fluttered my mind. Funny how my intentions in life can change in a couple months. I've gone from wanting to fit in in this society--go to school, get amazing grades, get my PHd, and start a family. I find it somewhat ridiculous that if you wanna be somebody in today's society you need to attend an ivy league school and be gorgeous. In some sense, I still do want that, but I know it won't make me happy.

---


I've always been told that the best way to learn something is to experience it first hand. I live through a lot of life changing events in my life. They've shaped me into the person I am now. I just wanna get out of this place, move on to a different part of the world. I wanna start my career, my passions: photography and travel. I'm tired of sitting in a classroom learning about God knows what. I want to experience first hand, that's how I want to learn. I'm tired of being told and listening to lectures about subjects that my professors haven't even experienced first hand... they're just passing on the information that people have told them--brainwashed them to believe.

For me, my passions makes me happy.

Thoughts on Smoking.

Smoking: A simple way to simultaneously ruin your health, eliminate your sex appeal, empty your wallet and support huge corporations that don't give a damn about well-being.


Some find this true. Others really just don't care. Here's my opinion.

1. Smoking will ruin your health, and eventually take your life. Smoking took the life of my grandmother. I called her Grand-Nan. loved her to death. I believe she started smoking when she was in her teens, and she died when she was in her 60s. It was hard to see her suffer from the many side effects. Even though she was only in her 60s, she looked to be about 94.

2. Smoking apparently eliminates your sex appeal. I find this false, but that's purely my opinion. Many find this very true, and smoking will turn them off immediately. Call me crazy but smoking is so damn sexy. But if your skin is turning yellow, that's just disgusting.

3. Smoking will empty your wallet. Yeah, how much are smokes? like $4 something a pack... sometimes cheaper, sometimes more. anywhooo... eventually your money will be gone if you're spending $4 a day... that's approximately 28 bucks a week! Sheesh... imagine what you could be spending your cashish.

4. Yeah, those big corporations just don't give a damn. They're making money, and that's all that matters tho them.


5. Smoking Hookah is fun. Amen.

6. Smoking Ganja... uh... some people need to lay off.... makes them crazy.


haha.


-M

thoughts on men.

What is it these days with people trying to hook people up?

I just go to a friends house, wanting to hang out... just hang out...


and the next thing i know,
my friend is telling me how cute this guy is


and that i should be very interested

because most girls immediately like him...


weird.



i kinda just wish that i could be left alone..
im not sure what i'm looking for at the moment



well i know for sure who i do like

and what i want in my man

i just know


:)


and i will find him


but this single life is somewhat fun
for now.
we'll see, we'll see, we'll see.



here, i'll simply post what i'm attracted to and what i'm looking for in my man:
(no particular order--just as they pop into my head)
1. dark hair, dark skin
2. facial hair
3. some tattoos
4. goal orientated... definitely has to be going somewhere in this life.
5. loves loves LOVES to travel.
6. couple inches taller than me
7. hates drugs, but loves alcohol
8. smoking turns me on. (don't ask)
9. well educated, and artistic
10. loves good music. no techno crap please.
11. respectful, caring, kind
12. exotic, foreign
13. likes coffee, and good food!
14. non-religious
15. good morals.
16. wants children, someday.
17. somewhat of a mac nerd, but doesn't obsess over it.
18. can cook
19. athletic, but not a cocky jocky.
20. not overly outgoing, but definitely not shy.
21. likes the beatles, dave matthews, the shins
22. treat me like a princess.
23. doesn't want to work in an office, and wake up for the morning commute every morning for the rest of his life.
24. has hobbies
25. will not follow me everywhere, and give me space
26. will listen when i need him too
27. just accept me for who i am and not try to change me
28. dark eyes
29. loves live music, and just chillin
30. isn't really into the clubbing scene, but loves to dance

Beginning to a Poem--Left Unfinished.

Fiery July afternoon,
Verde blades of grass gleam sharp in the sun,
The cement appears as liquid,
And brainwashed, Christian niños chant in the background.

The muchacha hermosa moseys outside,
takes of deep breathe of fresh air,
hops on her Nevada Fuji,
and heads towards her painting studio.

Past the brainwashed niños,
down the blackened pavement,
turns a sharp esquina,
she comes to a complete halt and parks her Fuji.

Dear Elliott Smith:

Him

He enters my room and the eyes on my dolls shut, stuffed animals bear witness with glazed eyes.
That can't shed tears.
With his every footstep I watch the footprint permantely imprinted in the tuffs of my carpet.
He stains it gray.
Somewhere in the background, I hear running water and wish it would wash over me,
Like thousands of hands calming me, streaming over me with my mother's angelic smile.
But instead of her laughing, joyous face, I can see only his leering grin towering over me,
Like trying to coax a fox into a trap.
But I have tricked him, my _______,
And I leave, dissipate into the air.
He finally leaves after eternity has ended but I remain paralyzed on the floor.
My stuffed animals' eyes are frozen open in shock....



-M

5 randoms.

1) Everybody should look into this whole situation in Darfur. It's just fucked up, but thank God SOMEBODY finally suspected the lame-ass president, and he has been arrested for all the genocide. :)


finally a step in the right direction.
2) Listen to the song "Blame it on the Tetons" by Modest Mouse... It's even posted on this blog in my playlist.

Blame it on the Tetons. Yeah, I need a scapegoat now.
No my dog won't bite you, though it had the right to.
You oughta give her credit cuz she knows I would've let it happen.

Blame it on the weekends. God I need a cola now.
Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly.
Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting.
Blame it all on me cuz God I need a cold one now.

All them eager actors gladly taking credit
for the lines created by the people tucked away from sight
is just a window from the room we're bound to.
If you find a way out, oh would you just let me know how?
Would you just let me know how?

Blame it on the web but the spider's your problem now.
Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in.
Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem.
Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now.

Everyone's a building burning
with no one to put the fire out.
Standing at the window looking out,
waiting for time to burn us down.
Everyone's an ocean drowning
with no one really to show how.
They might get a little better air
if they turned themselves into a cloud.

3) George Harrison was gorgeous. Thankfully, he has a son, mmmm :)

4) There are so many places in this world that have not yet been seen, visited, or discovered. Why do we choose to live our lives in one place? Just one city? Just one Country? Think about where you could be right now, what you could be doing. Why are you where you are? Why am I here?

5) The Rainbow Gathering. Amen. Mak Daddy, Arevik, and I were all hippies for a good 14 hours (we couldn't survive any longer). Damn Hippies. I wish I could live that carefree lifestyle and totally disengage myself from the media-ruled, office-working society.
PEACE!

become international?

Going to school is a dominantly Mormon town definitely has its downs. But, during the summer, it is hella fun... All the Mormons go home. This summer I found myself living in the dorms on campus and taking a few classes. The day I moved into my dorm, culture shock had definitely set in. I seemed as if I was the only white American girl in the building. Everyone across the hall was Asian, there were some Persians down the hall and a lot of Dominicans living upstairs. Feeling much like the minority (for once) I locked myself in my room for the first month of the summer. It wasn't until about 5 weeks ago I decided to get to know the people I live with. I'm not gonna lie, I love not having white Americans around me. Everybody here for the summer is so rich in culture and accepting of everybody. I constantly find myself learning new things about the world, about life, and about myself daily. My best friend, Arevik, is from Armenia. She is so bad ass. I've also got some great guy friends, Moji, Reza, and Mak Daddy, who are Persian. And one of the most hilarious people I know, Jun Hee Han, is from Korea. I have no idea how I ever lived without this kid in my life! These people have made my summer hella tight and the party never ever ends in da summa time. I love how everybody is accepting in the summer time.

dear mom

I give up on this perfect life.

Ah, Finals Week....

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Roommates and Boyfriends

So, here I am, sitting at my desk, staring about my lovely view of Old Main, thinking about how much my parents are paying for this room. Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth the price. I live in the newest dorms on campus, which are conveniently located right by all my classes. Sometimes I think these dorms are a little too nice. I like them, but I've already torn the paint off the walls, and I've burnt a nice big hole in my chair. Is there a reason why I find myself sitting all alone thinking about this room? Maybe. Or is the real question "why am I alone?" yeah, I'd say that could be it. Lets see here... I've got six roommates. I love with six of the Mormon girls in a five bedroom apartment. I share my room with a girl named Amber. Amber is a very pretty blond girl. She is extroverted yet introverted, and she loves to cook. All year Amber has been struggling with many relationships trying to find that perfect someone. As of last week, Amber has seems to have found Mr. Right. His name is Matt. It's kinda funny how they just fit perfectly together. They even walk the same.

Sometimes when they are together, I feel quite left out. I know how it feels to be in love, and I'm somewhat jealous... haha. If you read my first blog, you might have noticed that I mentioned I was in a relationship with a guy named James. Damn, he was wonderful. I went over to his house today to talk to him for the first time in a week. It was weird. At first we couldn't help but smile at each other, like we hadn't seen each other in a very long time. Then he sat me down on the couch and told me how he feels. He wishes we could get back together and he can start over again, take things slow, and do everything right. I just sat in silence. I kept thinking "I don't want to be with you anymore, why can't you just move on?"

When I finally left, things started to get teary. I mentioned something about starting a Facebook group for all the guys that like me ( I have stalkers...) and he kinda got upset, but I seriously think he needs to move on. He told me of his plans to move to California next fall and attend UCLA for acting. I'm proud of him.

With all my heart, I wish things could've worked out between us. We each had different goals and dreams. Sometimes is just best to let go so that person can achieve their dreams. We didn't want to hold each other down any longer. If you've ever heard the song "Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack, you'll understand exactly what we're going through, but if not, you should definitely go listen to it.

So next time you think about dating somebody, think of what is best for them, put them first in your life and make sure their dreams are coming true.

peace.

The World of Blogging Meets the World of Makaela - April 16th, 2008

Just last week I had an experience with a very handsome fella. He explained to me how he blogs everything, I mean everything. He even said that he blogged about me, which made me feel a little odd. Then he mentioned that when he wikipediaed my name, lots of stuff popped up, like: The Most Beautiful Girl Ever. After he said this, my mind was just like "WTF!" You're so crazy.

Sadly, I was inspired by this guy and I decided to start blogging. Now all I have to do is decide what I want to write about. I can write about anything in the entire world, anything, everything. But, I'm choosing to write about last week, or maybe even the last month.

At the beginning of the semester, I got really really sick. I went to a few doctors and nobody knew what was going on with me. One told me I'm just overly stressed (dumb ass woman) and others said nothing was wrong. But I seriously did not feel good. I even had one doctor think I was pregnant... Good thing I wasn't. Finally, at the end of February, I went to the local ENT, where I was immediately diagnosed with Mono. I mean how hard was it for those stupid doctors to just diagnose me with that.

My mono lasted until the end of March, therefore causing me to drop most of my classes, and lose my scholarship. My teachers wouldn't work with me so I could get caught up, and they pretty much told me that I am just a failure.

Of course I was more pissed than anybody in the entire world. So I kinda gave me hopes up and made all these plans to drop out of school, move to California or Salt Lake. I just decided school wasn't for me. (Bad Decision)

I told my parents of my decision and they supported me 100%, but only because I'm their daughter. I could tell they weren't thrilled about me choice and they didn't want me living at home for the rest of my life.

At this same time, I was dating a guy named James Wadsworth. He seriously had me from hello. He was the most gorgeous thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Long brown eye, dark brown eyes, in shape, and he had goals. He wanted to be an actor.

Things started getting very serious between us, we were even thinking about marriage and children (in the future, of course). After being completely wooed by him for about 3 months, I noticed that his personality started to change, and he lost sight of his goals. Our relationship started getting a lot worse and wed fight all the time. It seemed like we fought in every conversation we had. If you know me, you would know that there is no way in hell I would put up with this shit.

So, I tried breaking it off a few times. The first time, he cried and whined for hours. He even called his mother while I was trying to break up with him. I couldn't help but laugh... who the hell calls their mom during a breakup?

Last Thursday, our relationship was called off for good. James informed me that I had ruined his life and totally broke his heart forever. A couple days later, he ended up going to California, not knowing what his plans were; he just went to try to mend his life back together. I will say this now; this is one of the best decisions this boy had ever made.

That night, after James and I broke up, I went to hang out with some friends. I didn't know what the night would bring, but I wanted to have fun. I ended up at Mr. Blogger's (man from above) house, where he confessed his love for me. He said stuff like, "You are so sexy when you present your photography in the front of the class, and you just get me going!" And then, he laid one right of me….

After this experience, I found myself asking, "What am I doing? Why I am hanging out with his guy?" After all, I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I wasn't looking for anything of this sort. To make matters worse, I'm madly in love with some other guy, who has no idea.

Boredom started creeping into my life and I started to think about what I seriously wanted to do. I mean man-wise, I still wanted the guy I had a huge crush on, but life-wise, I needed a plan, a goal, something to achieve.

So, this is when I wrote my master plan for the next 8 years of my life. Here it goes: I'm nearly a junior up here at Utah State, and I've only got 2 and a half years left. I'm majoring in Art and minoring in Art History. Next summer, I plan to do study abroad in Scotland, and the summer after that I'm planning on study abroad in France. Hopefully, when I'm done here at Utah State, I will have my Bachelor's of Fine Art, with an emphasis on photography.

After I finish up here, I want to attend CalArts. I want to receive my Master's in Commercial Photography.

Now, here's the big change in my goals… I know it might be far fetched, but I'm hella excited and I'm gonna do it! I am going to attend Yale. I want to get my PhD in Art History and Archaeology.

After being told that I'm a failure by my professors, I think I deserve to dream big and show them they were wrong.

As far as love goes, I'm always open for a relationship. I just want to find a man who is absolutely perfect. I want a man of my style, artsy and creative, smart and handsome. And, he has to support me in anything I do, even my big goal of Yale.

Thanks for reading, I'm out. Peace.