Shantaram--read it!

"... It was only there, in the village in India, on that first night, adrift on the raft of murmuring voices, and my eyes filled with stars; only then, when another man's father reached out to comfort me, and placed a poor farmer's rough and calloused hand on my shoulder; only there and then did I see and feel the torment of what I'd done, and what I'd become-- the pain and the fear and the waste; the stupid, unforgivable waste of it all. My heart broke on its own shame and sorrow. I knew, at last, how lonely I was.
But I couldn't respond. My culture had taught me all the wrong things well. So I lay completely still, and gave no reaction at all. But the soul has no culture. The soul has no nations. The soul has no colour or accent or way of life. The soul is forever. The soul is one. And when the heart has its moment of truth and sorrow, the soul can't be stilled.
I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperatly, is that love is the only cure for lonliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only lonliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you."

--Gregory David Roberts
from his novel Shantaram

Bathrooms

I was sitting in a bathroom stall today at Deer Valley...
The walls were white, and the doors were fake wood.
Of course it was illuminated with lame fluorescent lights.

It flusters me how people can want this so bad,
want to come to america
to live in a life illuminated by these cheap, meaningless fluorescent lights.

Wouldn't you rather sit in a bathroom illuminated by natural light?
or by a single lightbulb with some vines wrapped around it?
or even pee in the jungle?

Why would you give that up?
I wouldn't.

Life Comes At Ya Fast...

So, because I'm incredibly lazy and I don't want to sit on a bus for 30 minutes to get to my classes, or work, I've been driving and parking up on campus. Bad idea. I think I got 5 tickets last month. Didn't have the money, nor the time, to pay any of them. Last week, I had class and also had to work, so I parked on campus. When I was at work, I got a call from the parking office saying that my car had been booted from unpaid tickets. Great. They made me leave work, come down to their office, and pay $150. Sadly, I had to pay it immediately so I could get my car back and would be able to drive my busy self around to all the places I needed to be. The downfall was, I didn't have enough money in my account. What a dilemma.
This afternoon I received a lovely call from my mother. All she said was, "Have you seen your bank account lately?"
"Nope," I replied, "but I will check it. I gotta go, bye."
"Bye."
I got to work, checked my account. Come to find out, the bank changed me $377 for charging $150 to my account, which I HAD to do. And now I'm even more in the hole.
I learned my lessons:
1. Parking passes are GOOD!
2. Don't park illegally
3. If you do park illegally, make sure you pay your parking ticket so you don't get booted.
4. I need to spend my money wisely. Or not spend it at all....


Ciao.

I'm High and I'm Happy and I'm Free

I'm high and I'm happy and I'm free
I got my whole heart
Laid out right in front of me
And I finally can see
The way it's always been
The need for peace
Starts from within

So I leave my possesions to the wind
And I'm done with ever wanting anything
Well I can die satisfied
No desires do I hide
Not today, not today
Nor for the next one thousand lives

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
A little seahorse

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse...

Well I'm scared of ever being born again
If it's in this form again
Well I wanna know how why where and when and then
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light

I wish I could get some free time for myself. Just quality alone time, where I don't have to think, just relax. I wish I had my own bedroom I could call home, a place where I could feel like myself. Lately I've been very busy, going to class, writing papers, preparing for finals week, and supporting my friends. But I've been so stressed from it that I've been going insane. I completely lost it last night. Locked myself downstairs, stuck in a movie, and didn't want to see anybody. I'm so so so tired and I wish somebody would just listen to me for once. I want to speak my mind, I want somebody to listen. But isn't that the point of this entire blog? Is there anybody out there who cares what is bugging me? Am I just good at holding it in? Maybe I feel bad complaining or bragging about myself. Do people take advantage of me for this?

I never thought I'd end up crying myself to sleep on my birthday. this is messed.